VI: Enjoy The Ride
A Series: Getting What You Want (And Avoiding What You Don't)
Setting the Scene
“The miracle is not to walk on water. The miracle is to walk on the green earth, dwelling deeply in the present moment.”
— Thich Nhat Hanh
There’s a fine line between ambition and anxiety. One drives you forward, and the other keeps you from ever arriving. And it’s not always easy to know what side of that line you’re on.
Many of us who pursue growth race towards a finish line that’s always moving. We maintain discipline across all facets of life, convinced that impulse control and long-term vision will lead us to the promised land. In turn, we miss out on the scenery along the way.
Thus far in the series we’ve discussed avoiding catastrophe via Fear Setting and mediocrity via the Beta Region Paradox. We’ve explored filling that space with work that is Too Good To Pass Up and pursuing it via the Dream Review strategy.
We’ve dropped the dead weight and picked our road. Time to put boots on the ground. So the question is:
How do you haul ass toward the mountain top, and still whistle on the way up?
Working Toward The Life You Want, While Enjoying the Process
“It is not the goal but the way there that matters, and the harder the way, the more worthwhile the journey.”
— Wilhelm von Humboldt
A great book on the most common end-of-life reflections states that two of the five most common regrets are:
I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.
I wish I had let myself be happier.
Even with many lifetimes of wisdom showing us the way, it can be hard to listen. Most people I’ve met who pursue more, including myself, tend to fall into the habit of wanting to control every aspect of life. We want to make plans, and execute them. We like things to be predictable, and secure. Before we know it, we’ve planned our way right past the moments we were supposed to live.
Obviously lessening our ambition is not the answer. So how do you constantly work towards a better future, while being completely present in the moment you’re in? How do you make the journey the destination?
Here are some ideas to consider:
A lot of life can be 100% enjoyable without being 100% optimized.
You can cook a steak without earning a Michelin Star. You can take a run without making a PR. Both are enjoyable. Hobbies are good for you. I love to play the guitar and do woodworking, but I have absolutely no agenda when it comes to either.
Having too many goals reduces the saliency of the ones that are the most important.
Your time and attention are finite — spend them where they count. There are plenty of aspects of life that can stay humming without constant micromanagement. For example, I have my financial accounts automated to invest in index funds and EFTs. I’m no Warren Buffet, and I don’t care to ever try to be. I’d rather have my time back and not try to outperform the system.
Narrowing priorities to the 1% that matter make the other 99% effortless.
When you know your priorities, everything else starts to matter less. Didn’t reach the quota for the quarter? Didn’t hit the PR I was hoping for in the gym? Didn’t read as many books as I wanted to, or journal as often as I should have? They all sting, sure. And they all still matter to me. But when you know what really matters, your eyes are on the peak, not all of the hills and valleys along the way.
The stoics knew the importance of limiting your desires. You have to pick the spots to dig your heels in, and let the rest of the chips fall where they may. It makes us better at the things that matter, and it lets the rest run off like water on a duck’s back.
So how do you decide what really matters?
What Do I Really Want, Anyway?
“It is not the man who has too little, but the man who craves more, that is poor.”
— Seneca
“By the time I’m X years old, I want to work for X company in X city and make X dollars. I want my partner to have qualities X,Y, and Z. I want to be X percent body fat, read X pages per day. I want to drive a model X, have X number of kids, and spend my spare time doing hobbies X, Y, and Z.”
Sound familiar? Once again, the blessing and curse of the modern age – infinite decision. And this is where the mind can go, unless we identify our priorities and align ourselves accordingly.
For most people, our deepest desires are not so complicated. Typically, they’re along the lines of doing what you want, with who you want, when you want. The confusion arises when we define what that materially looks like.
For some, it’s:
“I want to have a flexible work schedule so I can take my kids and my dog Lady out on afternoon adventures.”
And for others, it could look like:
“I want to make 250k so I can take my family to The Caribbean and send my kids to the top private school.”
Both centered on the same idea, family, with completely different approaches. Consumerism, societal expectation, and so much more invisibly manipulate our core desires. What is simple becomes overly complex.
In my life, I’ve made an effort to create a short list of just three things that matter most to me. The root of all other desires. The things that, should they disappear, would dissolve the value of any other aspect of life. For me, those Three Things are the following:
Health
It means a lot more than just a lack of sickness. It’s a strong, able body that allows me to lift weights, play sports, hunt wild pigs, and do all of the other things I love to do.
Independence
Working for myself, growing food, learning skills, building things. These are all things that I work towards, and that allow me to become more of an individual. Not in a Bear Grylls survival sense, but more of a Theodore Roosevelt, Henry David Thoreau, or Cormac McCarthy style. Freedom isn’t an escape; it’s a responsibility.
Relationships
It would all be for nothing without relationships. Family comes first, then friends, then professional. They bring value to everything we do in life. Serving others is much more fulfilling than self-indulgence, and shared experiences make the best memories in life. To quote Chris McCandless from Into the Wild, “Happiness is only real when shared.”
By no means does that mean I don’t have superficial goals. I want to be jacked and have a six pack, I want to make lots of money, and I want to have nice things. But in all of these pursuits, I will never sacrifice my Three Things. And that’s what keeps me grounded.
It’s crucial to define a small number of your non-negotiables. Where you’ll break before you bend. Otherwise, internal monologues start to sound like the one listed above. The Three Things can look different for everybody; some people can have two, some can have four. But all of them have the same purpose – dictating the verdict of all other decisions.
Here are some guiding principles for defining your Three Things:
There are some things in life that are non-negotiable and should be protected at all costs.
These are why you get out of bed in the morning, and what you go to bed thinking about. Without them, nothing else in life would matter. Confucius said “A healthy man wants a thousand things, a sick man only wants one.” That’s the level of importance something must reach to earn its place on your list.
Don’t be afraid to be unique. Let your desires be yours.
Forget about keeping up with the Joneses – the watch, the car, the house. Societal norms and consumerism quietly warp your core desires. Too often, you’re afraid to spend resources on things that actually matter to us. My desire for Independence has led to a love of fly fishing and bow hunting, and in turn thousands of dollars spent on gear. I wear ripped jeans and drive a car that’s ten years old, but I’ll spend money all day on the things I love.
Short term goals should have numbers. Long term goals should not.
Data is great for tracking small changes over time to measure progress. Making more money, lifting more weight, traveling to more countries. But long term visions should be reserved for concepts and ideals, that we can work towards our entire life. A destination to never be reached — but a journey to pursue.
Defining your Three Things is like looking at your current desires as a block of marble. David is waiting inside, but it’s up to you to reveal him.
The Bottom Line
“The meaning of life is just to be alive. It is so plain and so obvious and so simple.”
-Alan Watts
The future is not something to be chased, but something to be built one present moment at a time.
Work hard for what you want, but remember that it’s not the plans made, the checklists completed, or the medals won that you’ll think about when it’s all said and done – it’s all of the memories, friends, adventures, and unexpected turns along the way.
Treat your life like a craftsman’s work, not an engineer’s blueprint — shape it with care, leave room for imperfection, and enjoy the making.
And if you do it right, you’ll wake up one day realizing the future you were chasing is the life you’re already living.
See you next week for some helpful mindsets for putting it all together.
Let me know what you think of this newsletter, or what else you’d like to see down the road.
Getting What You Want, Avoiding What You Don’t, And Some Tricks To Do It
Part I: Unshaking The Snowglobe of Life